When it starts to end

And again the same sinking feeling. Killing me every moment. And this relationship will also end eventually. Never thought I'll google something like 'mild heart pain when hurt emotionally'. Ever heard of broken heart syndrome? Yes it exists.
Broken heart syndrome is commonly described as a physical pain in the heart or chest area, which is due to the emotional stress caused by a traumatic breakup or the death of a loved one.
Almost a week now experiencing such a pain. This will fade away and will take with it all the leftover charm I had like all previous relations did but this time something really precious. My feelings. What will be left behind will be a breathing machine with a pulsating heavy stone in her chest. That is what I deserve. This will take away my will power, my dreams. With every dying relation i have emerged stronger than before. Every time I had managed to put together all the broken pieces of my heart and start afresh. But after this, my heart will be crushed to dust, I will never be able to love anyone again. This will never happen to me again because I'll never believe in it anymore. 

After all this is what I deserve. This is what all the hearts deserve who have loved someone so serenely. Someone has rightly said ' People are stupid '. 

His First sight!

Gloomy! Yea that's how my weekend went by. Even the thought of him being on my side gave me goosebumps. It ought to be, after all he was my Mr. Perfect, that 'only one' for whom people wait for ages, and finally I got him. Dreamt of him being with me every night, and everyday.

Sleepless nights, restless thoughts, unfulfilled desires, oozing love, wildest heartbeats.. I guess this is what they call true love. Had many relationships before. Never was this uncanny about anyone. Never had such strong feelings for anyone. No one made it a run for me, instead it was a run for them. Its not that its easy to flatter me. Still don't know how I felt for him. And he did absolutely nothing. Amazing!

The next day my prince charming was about to be with me. That night I was unable to sleep, tossed left and right in bed, with thoughts running wild in my head. And finally the sunshine shoved on my face through my window. 7.30 in the morning I was wide awake, my eyes twinkling with joy, the most awaited day of my life. I was waiting for him eagerly, his flight was about to take off. Made breakfast for everyone at home, completed all the house hold chores. Couldn't eat a morsel, was so excited that my stomach was filled with pleasure. Took a bath, pulled on my jeans, slipped in my top, blow dried my hair, hopped on my wedged, picked up my handbag and off I went. Drove as fast as I can, he was about to land by 12.30.

OMG! I was late, it was already 12 when I left home, he asked me to meet straight at Raddison as the hotel cab will pick him up. I really wanted to be the first person to meet him, but Mr. Humble thought it would be inconvenient for me and opted for a cab instead. I reached the hotel at 12.30 cursing myself for being late, called him immediately but to hear "The number you are trying to reach is switched off". Alas! he is yet to reach. It was too sunny and I was standing on the road eagerly waiting for him to call me back. Checked his flight status and yes it was late unexpectedly.

After 15 mins of tiring wait he called me. "Hello, I reached, my flight is yet to land". I was so excited to be with him, I told him I am waiting outside the hotel and can I come to pick him up. He said "Sorry for being late my flight got delayed" he asked me to stay and he will be there in no time. Then another round of wait, I was scanning every other vehicle passing by to get a glimpse of him but of no use, that wait was killing me. Finally after another 30mins Mr. Hotty called me and said he is checking in and will be out in few minutes. Grump!!!! Again i need to wait! It took him 15mins to wrap up everything. 

And my my! My sweetheart was right behind me. The moment I saw him through my rear mirror my heart skipped a beat. As if I know him from ages.  Could only catch a glimpse of him as we needed to leave. He hopped on my vehicle and held my shoulders by his soft and cold hands and we left. Sssss! That touch of him.

Enough of hurting me

From the day I had confessed my feelings to him till now, I'm still waiting from him, 1year and a month to be precise, waiting for his reply, waiting for him to give us a name. But I think it's enough of it. No I'm not giving up, no I'm not weak to leave him, no I have not stopped loving him, it's just enough. Till the time my heart felt he cares for me, prioritizes me, is striving hard for me for us to be together, I could fight for him, with this world, with my brain. But not today. Enough!

I was a women with dignity, I never allowed myself to go this low, but this time I did. Was it the time when it all started did not let me think? That mental instability I was in! Was it that I invaded his territory or was it he who trespassed mine? Was it not me who allowed him? How could I allow a stranger to do this to me? How can he just enter in my life, play with the strings of my heart and just walk off without turning back.

When it is destined to happen it does!

My mum was just discharged from the hospital. I had burnt the night lamp's oil taking care of my mum, the only person on this planet earth along with my dad for whom I can sacrifice my life, without a second thought. She was operated for twisted ovarian cyst, major surgery they say. My relatives were at my place to visit my mum. All the house hold chores were on me and my sisters. This was the most crucial time in my office, Performance appraisal cycle! Yeah, the only time of the year we wait for. I was on leave for a week as I was with mum in the hospital. I was in the worst of the states. Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially.

All this happened just a week before we planned to meet. We. Me and my sweetest boy friend. This was the most awaited event of my life. It took him almost a year and a lot of triggering to finally conclude our daily fights. 

We crossed roads on a dating application. He was from Delhi. The very first time we called each other, he was in metro on his way back home at 10 o'clock at night. And he thought I was too from Delhi. He asked me thrice where I was right then. At last with a sigh he gulped the fact that I am from Nagpur. 1065 km away from him. That distance was maintained until he agreed to meet me, on 19th September 2016, the day I would have written in gold.

But. There always have been a but from the start when it comes to we both. Yeah, but destiny has something else in store for us. From everything going smooth as silk, my life turned out to a bed of thorns, that too just a week before we were about to meet. We had to drop the plan. That is what it was for me until that Friday night when I came back from office and received a text from him " Call me ASAP".

I called him the next moment I saw his text. Can we meet this Monday? was the question he asked. These were the only words I was craving for from so long. But not today. Not when my life is so messed up. I wanted to meet him in all the best versions of me after all we were meeting for the very first time, I wanted to make this the best day of his life. Even after knowing the fact that this is the worst time to meet him, my mouth was not ready to utter 'NO' not even once. I dodged his question a couple of times, tried to convince him to postpone the plan to a next possible date. But, I was presented by only two options either we will meet this Monday, or next month which he said wasn't certain.

The answer was quit clear. Oh, how much I curse myself for understanding him to such an extent. Saying NO was equal to another quarter's wait and not a month. A risk this big was not a thing I could have sustained. Not after waiting for so long. Though I said yes multiple times, he knew I wasn't sure. He asked me to think and let him know. So, after an hours constant hammering I concluded on a definite yes and finally we met on 19th September 2016.  

Destiny it's seriously a thing!

The reason I am here

Yes, I always wanted to write a blog but that 'never got a chance to' still exists, not all of a sudden I am here. This Sunday morning I broke up with my boyfriend, yeah only I thought he was my BF but he wasn't. More about it later. So cutting short the blues, taking some time off the track to invest in what I always wanted to do, I am here.

We all at one point find ourselves caged in an environment which we feel never lets us do what we really want to. But believe me no one in this world is busy enough to not fulfill his/her innate desire. Desire to open our wings and fly, to sing like a maniac, to dance like a 3 year old kid. Yes, these words will not be enough to ignite that internal being, to spark you to jump and go without giving a second thought, it will always be that one incidence, that one person, that one day which will change the way you see the world and most importantly the way you deal with your life.

I had come across that one incidence, that one day, and that one person whom I loved more than anyone else, for whom I could do anything just to bring a smile to his face, to see him happy at any cost. This is the cost I am paying to see him happy. Set him free. Yes, not easy at all. But just the thought of him being happy without me gives me strength to move on. Moving on! Moving on with the most amazing experiences, most mesmerizing feelings, breath taking memories of him. He will always be a part of me, in my prays, in my dreams.

Clinging to someone, something, some place will yield you nothing. Move on! Move to a world you have never seen before by changing your perspective, experiences you have never had just because you feel its awkward and embarrassing. Live your life like this is your last day on earth.

Hello World:P

Hi Readers,

This is my first blog at bloggers. It feels amazing to be here, I always wanted to write a blog but never got a chance to. Better late than never. Wanted to be honest at least somewhere so not disclosing my identity.

This anonymous has many ups and downs, goods and bads which will be shared. Stay tuned to know about me. The incidences happened in my life, the way I reacted (being a Sanguine :P). No one wants to be judged but being judged by people you don't know and the people who don't know you is kinda interesting.

Looking forward for your inputs.

With love,
XYZ :D